Washington Report on Middle East Affairs, March 1999, page 101

Just Joshin’

By John C. LaMonte

Fringe Groups: American citizens have been deported from Israel recently, accused of being religious fanatics who relocated just to engage in apocalyptic violence. “They should have known better and called themselves ‘settlers.’”

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Punchy: President Clinton reported he had a very merry Christmas. “That’s because he got what he asked for—a Roley-Poley Saddam he can sock whenever his approval polls drop below 60 percent.”

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It’s Catching On: The Washington Post has reported the U.S., Britain, and Israel have for the last three years used UNSCOM to spy on Iraqi security forces. Is this a clear violation of United Nation principles? “The State Department says it all depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.”

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Misnomer: “If you want to know how slowly time can pass, try fasting.”

Bully Tactics: Reportedly some of the Republicans may have gone too far in their plans for censuring the president. “Imagine, wanting to enforce a No-Lie Zone over the White House!”

Do As I Do: Many elementary schools have implemented conflict-resolution programs to help settle playground quarrels. “Great! Adults should teach kids that violence is no way to decide disputes—unless you have lots and lots of cruise missiles.”

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No KFC: Secretary of Defense William S. Cohen is having to deal with dissatisfied servicemen at our bases around the world. “Seems many of these foreign countries are actually swarming with foreigners.”

Attn. Bill Maher: Orthodox rabbis in Israel are complaining that trying to deal with the liberal Jewish religious movement is like banging your head against a stone wall. “Well, who knows more about that then they do?”

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No October Surprise: How desperate were the Democrats to deflect criticism about the White House scandals? “The administration at one point said new evidence showed it wasn’t Saddam Hussain who allegedly dumped premature babies from their incubators in Kuwait during the Gulf war. No, they claimed the man to blame was really Kenneth Starr!”

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Sorry, Ollie: Gene Autry and Roy Rogers are no longer with us. “So may I humbly suggest a new candidate to be crowned King of the Cowboys? How about Scott Ritter?”